the ten events which define me today

Had a great exercise in class a while back and I think about it often; because I am strange like that.  It was to make a list of the ten events in my life which define who I am today and why.  This is not just a list of the most important events in my life, but ten events which really molded me into who I am today.  So why blog about it?  Because reflection is good for me and seriously lacking.  Too often I look at the work needed in others and want to help them instead of looking at my own hurts and trying to fix them.  That is my "shadow side" of being a #2 in the Enneagram (see my previous post) and I am trying to fight against it.  I encourage everyone to do this: it helps you come to a better understanding of who you are, why you are the way you are and through sharing it helps others see your motivations.  Someday I hope my children are able to read this and learn from my life.

• My brother was born - up until this point I was just a typical kid, but now I was something different and special: a big brother.  What made me most excited was that I had responsibility as a role model and to make sure he was taken care of.  I loved being responsible for him and in my mind my own actions affected how he acted.  Now, i love to help other people in their own growth - more than I want to work on my own which is not good.  I love being a big brother and taking on responsibility when others don't.

• Grade school - This is a rough one because I was not popular, not athletic, not funny and not good looking.  I was a dork who wasn't smart enough to be a nerd.  I didn't really get picked on too much, but what I did get was ignored.  Probably because I was annoying.  I can't point the finger to others here, because if only a few kids wanted to hang out with me it was more my fault than theirs.  What I remember the most was being excluded from things and people not wanting to spend time with me.  I remember coming to school on a Monday and everyone - including people who I thought were the outcasts - talking about someones birthday party which I didn't receive an invitation to.  

• High school - I remember talking to people in class, people being friends with me and joking with me when we sat next to each other but not even acknowledging my presence in the hallways later.  I never fit in with the mainstream group of people and was socially outcast: High School was so much about fitting in with others and I had no desire to be like everyone else.  I had a small group of close friends and pretty much shut myself off from everyone else as a safety mechanism.  My self confidence was shattered and I went from being an extrovert to an introvert.

• The Catholic Church - I spent Kindergarten through the 11^th grade in a Catholic school and was forced to attend mass.  When I appreciated the music I was made fun of and picked on for it.  The vast majority of the people did not want to be there but were either there because they were forced to or because they felt they needed to out of obligation.  There were a lot of things and thoughts of Catholicism which did not make sense to me.  I read Bible stories about an intimate God and yet in practice it was very procedural and I felt very little connection to God.  I felt that everyone was hypocritical and didn't really do what they said.

• Senior year of high school - Due to poor grades, my parents decided not to pay for my tuition at a private Catholic school and sent me to a public school.  I absolutely loved it.  My grades went up and I made friends with several Evangelical Christians.  At the time I had no idea there was a difference between Protestants and Catholics: I thought we were all the same and believed the same things. However, this was the first step for me to see that there were people out there who really did love God and were not hypocritical about religion.  Until this point I felt that I hadn't spent any time with someone who was truly committed and followed Jesus.

• College - I loved almost everything about college: the friends, being away from Mom and Dad, but most of all I loved the pursuit of individuality.  In high school it seemed that most people were concerned with fitting in with the crowd, but in college it was all about differentiating yourself from the crowd.  I made a lot of close friends whom I trust more than most to this day.  I went to a maritime academy where I spent time every year traveling the world.  I found I was most comfortable in life when I was in other countries.  One other thing about my school I am appreciative of: it was not just book study - I learned how to get my hands dirty, be a hard worker and how to take initiative.

• Entry to the real world - Once I engaged in the work world and took my first job as a supervisor, I really started to (finally) get my confidence up and realize people followed my lead; not because I was in charge, but because of who I was.  The confidence brought me to another conclusion: My life had molded me into who I was.  There were a lot of things from my youth I was holding on to and bitter about which carried over to my attitude.  But those experiences also guided so much of who I was and I liked who I was - so how could I hold onto bitterness when I grew stronger from the negative past?

• Return to church - A few years later I went on a trip to Yosemite with some friends which was the most spiritual experience I had to that point.  In looking at the natural beauty I realized that such beauty could not be random or accidental - it was deliberate and placed there for a reason.  What's more, all of us were created with an appreciation for such beauty. It is very rare to find a person who does not see the beauty in someplace like Yosemite.  I joined a church, was baptized and for several years attended.  I also went through a divorce which took me a long time to forgive myself and make peace with God about it.  I became a small group leader, and really was hooked on how wonderful the small community was.  I was determined to make sure that everyone was included and invited to all of our events, I knew how hurtful it was to be excluded.  I realized that so many of the problems I had with God and so much of why I fell away was not due to God, but due to the people who were the church community.

• Call.  As involved as I was, I was still playing over the surface of what it meant to be a Christian.  One day a guest speaker was at our church showing what his missions organization was all about and as the pictures were on the screen I knew God wanted me to be there.  There was this incredibly strong conviction that I was in the wrong place and I needed to be there, working to show people who Jesus was.  Unfortunately, I did not receive a “when” or “where” so I had a choice: I could wait for God to provide me with the rest and then take action, or I could get prepared for when God clarified the rest.  I also took this as a sign that God was not letting the divorce stop me: if he was ok with me doing his work, why was I not ok with myself?  Until this point I had thought that my entire purpose in life was to have kids and be a great father.  The divorce changed all of that and I stopped knowing what I was supposed to do in life.  After my call, my life had a purpose and a path again.  I could move forward with my life.

• God introduced me to my wife.  I did not know her on that fateful day of my call, but she was also felt the same exact call to missions during that same service.  It was not until a year or so later that we discovered that.  She challenges me and keeps me on track.  She is so many things that I am not: determined, disciplined, totally trusting and faithful to the end.  We complement each other so well and work as a team together better than I ever have before.  I look forward to the future God has in store for us.

There you have it, these are the events which drive my motivations, personality and goals.  They aren't the biggest events in my life (the birth of my daughter would be at the top of that list.) They are however, the events which I think truly molded me into who I am today - at least the events which have done so.  Sometimes I look at my parents and wonder about their pasts.  I know a lot of my family's history but just bits and pieces of what set the personalities of my parents.  I hope that someday my children can look at this blog and get to know their father a little bit better.