The Top Life Lessons to Teach My Kids

On Father's Day last year, I wrote one of my favorite blog posts which can be read here:  The Difference of  Being a Father to Boys and Girls and it was about my hopes and dreams for my kids.  This year, I have been thinking a lot about my vision and plan for my family; how I am going to lead my family.  My post last month was about the Vision for my Marriage.  Which leads me to thinking about the top things I want to make sure my kids have a firm grasp of as they grow up.  Many of these they will learn on their own or from others, but my goal is that they understand them.  Here are my lessons in no particular order:

Being a Part of Something New and Exciting

When Alise and I first moved to So Cal finding a new church family was a struggle for us.  I can't imagine a better church than the one we had back in the Bay Area, the main reason was part of what drew me to Christianity; most of the people went to church because they wanted to be there.  It became a place where people were excited to see new faces and welcome people - anyone.  More than that, our small group became so close I would consider many of them to be some of my best friends - some were even a part of my proposal to Alise (that story will come later.)  We also both learned and grew so much because of the group and church family.  I can honestly say the person I was when I started attending was totally different from the person I was when I left.  So moving to Southern California and finding a new church was a huge deal for Alise and I, whatever church we found would have a lot to live up to.

Over the first eight months we were here we visited over ten churches.  Some lacked direction, some were too big, some were too conservative.  The two most disappointing to me were both close to where we lived at the time in Aliso Viejo. One was very friendly and welcoming, had a great style and lots of friendly people our age with kids.  But as we walked around we were overwhelmed with the wealth of the church, heck there were theater quality chairs - the nice type, padded rocking captain's chairs with cup holders and everything.  Now there is nothing wrong with a church in a somewhat wealthy community using its wealth to make people feel comfortable.  It just wasn't for us.  Heck, I was laughing at the four (4!) professional quality video cameras getting several angles of the pastor speaking with close ups and TV's everywhere even though if people were standing in the back they had a clear view of the stage.  Throughout the church were fliers, posters and banners for all sorts of programs and groups you could sign up for: but nothing about helping the community, nothing about outreach to help less fortunate people, nothing about supporting missionaries in other countries.  About 30 minutes into the service it became clear to me that this church was committed to supporting itself and its members.  The other church we gave a lot more time to, we attended for over two months.  During the sermons they said all the right things and were theologically in line with what we believed.  But after two months we had spoken to the pastor for a total of 15 seconds.  Alise signed up for a missions trip and the Associate Pastor ignored her calls, didn't call her back and walked the other way when he saw us after service.  People our age were already in set groups and didn't seem to be interested in inviting us in.

My point in this is to say that both of these churches were vibrant, full of people who were learning a lot about God and faith.  Every church is different and for different people.  Church is about finding the right fit for you and your personality.  But it is more than that, some churches out there appeal to people because they say all the right things.  Other churches do the right things. We didn't find ourselves fitting in with either of those churches.

After our long search we finally settled with Soul Survivor.  We knew it after the first service.  The Pastor, Paul was one of the more personable people one on one we had ever met.  The Worship Leader John and his wife Lindy drew us in with how real they were and how much they truly loved life and had a genuine compassion for people.  Plus we were able to actually engage with the church - it wasn't so big that we were lost in the mass of people.  Within a few months John took over as the lead pastor and after some time the church found its focus: the community of Costa Mesa.  It wasn't where we lived but we loved the commitment to engage with other people instead of keeping inside our little Christian "bubble."  Several members were committed to traveling and helping people in other countries.  Soul Survivor was a "real" church in my opinion.  So much so that we didn't want to go out of our way to bring other people in and the church may not have grown because of that.




A few months ago something unusual happened; our church joined with another church - Redemption Church.  At first I was a little bit hesitant about the merger because it seemed it was more about us becoming Redemption than the two merging.  Only two weeks in however I saw that I was totally wrong.  People from both churches sought to get to know each other and become one church with the best parts of each.  Redemption church has a great direction and clear identity now.  And the best part is, it feels like we are on the verge of something different, something big, something exciting.  A church committed to being a part of the community.  A church committed to helping its members grow as people.  A church which says the right things and wants its members to do the right things.  A church which is creating the type of environment to be a part of.  Since the merger we have been meeting at another church building but tomorrow is the first service at a new location where Redemption is launched on its own and I am pretty excited about it.  We are still a young church (I am still one of the oldest people there.)  But there is a good mix of single people and new families.  Last month there were three new babies.  Two the month before that.    There are almost as many kids under the age of 4 as there are adults.  Why is it so exciting to be a part of this new church launch?  Because people want to be there.  We look forward to Sundays and going to church.  So does Sydney, she can't wait to see her friends and learn about what Jesus did.

So if you are in Orange County and looking for a church which seeks to be genuine in following Christ instead of following traditions, come check it out.  Service is Sunday at 10am at Back Bay High School in Costa Mesa (tomorrow is the first service.)  Check out the website, come for a few weeks and give it a chance.  It may not be the right church for everyone, but you won't know until you give it a shot.

http://redemptionchurch.org/

The Proposal

from our engagement shoot.
photo by Charles Le  Photography

My wife Alise and I just celebrated out fifth wedding anniversary and I can honestly say, these past five years have been the best in my life so far.  But just because things are amazing right now doesn't mean they are at the pinnacle right now.  Our perspective on romance for example has changed greatly.  Now that we have two kids under the age of three, romance is a luxury.  For our fifth anniversary we had a romantic evening planned.  But in the end we had to consciously decide to not talk about the kids at dinner, spent 20 minutes in the hot tub and were both asleep by 10pm (did I mention it was New Year's Eve?)  Does that sound pathetic to you?  Then you must not have kids because to us it was glorious and amazing to spend an entire night alone and without interruption.  That is perspective for you because it wasn't always that way.  When we were young we were pretty romantic if I say so myself.  In fact I would have to say that the way I proposed was the most romantic thing I had ever done.  The best thing about my proposal however was that it was totally "us" - other couples have perfect proposal stories as well and it makes proposals great.  Each is unique to the couple, ideal for them and in many ways reflective of their values as a couple.

Our story started a few months earlier, Alise had just accepted a position at Vanguard University - which had always been her dream job but also meant she had to move about six hours away to Southern California.  It was the time to make the next step in commitment between us, to make that promise to each other.  I brought up the idea to our group of friends in our study group that we should go on a camping trip together and we decided on a campground near San Simeon - right off the beach which was perfect.  The gears were turning in my head.  Our friend Jen went shopping with me to look for a ring so I could get confirmation on style from a woman.  If not I might have picked a black titanium ring or something.  She also contributed a cake plate to the occasion.

the day after we were engaged

When we arrived at the campgrounds it was perfect.  From our group Matt and Danielle were there as well as Elissa, Amy, Dave and Mike and Jen.  It was the second night camping that I sprung my plan into action.  Our friend Amy took Alise into town for some quick shopping, while Mike, Jen and I went to a place I found the day before: a boardwalk trail over the sand with a benched lookout area near the beach.  We set up a table with candles, tablecloth and dinner.  When Alise returned from shopping I was at the campground waiting in a suit.

I told her the reason for the dinner was to celebrate her new job and played it cool through most of the meal.  At one point as it was getting dark I told her I wanted to see her better and walked over to give her a kiss.  While we were hugging I got down on one knee and took the ring out of my pocket.  I went over the words I was going to say for weeks ahead of time to get everything just right.  In reality however, the words didn't matter - she knew what was in my heart for her and said yes.

How did this reflect our personality as a couple?  We were surrounded by nature - which represents a closeness to God for both of us.  We were also able to share the event with our friends - which was very important to us as well.  Without our friends I don't think we would have been in a relationship.  In our busy lives today it seems we don't have much time for romance, but it does not diminish our love one bit.  With two small children we have made the most of every romantic moment we can, and will hopefully continue to for a long time.

How I Met Your Mother: Part 3

So here was the situation from part 1 and part 2, Alise and I were great friends, but she had also made it clear that she was not interested in anything more.  I however, was drawn to her more than any other person I had known.  I enjoyed being friends with her but felt that if I could not date her, I didn't think I could stand to be around her anymore.  Why was I so drawn to her?  What made her different?  For one, her purity.  She was so innocent and pure.  The best way for me to describe it was a pure outlook on life - she could see the goodness in everything.  She loved God and was determined to follow that love.  But what really set her apart for me was how she made me feel: she made me want to improve myself, to make myself better.  It wasn't that I wasn't good enough for her, it wasn't that she told me that I needed to be better.  She was such a great person, she deserved someone who wasn't satisfied with mediocre.  To steal a line from movie "As Good As It Gets" - she made me want to be a better man.  Cheesy, but I can't think of a more real description of how I felt (and still feel) about her.  At Christmas that year I bought her tickets to see the Broadway musical "The Lion King" and was hoping she would ask me to be the one to see it with her.  She didn't ask me, but she didn't ask anyone else either, so I had a little bit of hope.

A couple of days later the two of us were headed to Paraguay together to meet up with our mutual friends, the Hernandez family.  The days leading up to the trip as well as the travel time itself were really good for us.  We spent a lot of time together, had some fantastic conversations and truly enjoyed each other's company without the stress of trying to impress.  The same went for the time in Paraguay itself; we often found ourselves hanging out together even though we were there to see our friends.  Like in Yosemite, we even found ourselves taking several pictures of each other and quite a few together.  But even though we were enjoying each others as friends, the romance was not quite there yet, and although she was opening up quite a bit, she was still holding back quite a bit.  There was one particular day while we were in Paraguay which I saw as a change between us: my birthday.  It was Sunday and we had a big service scheduled and I was going to be giving the sermon.  There was also going to be a church feast afterwards and Alise went into town with our friend Angel.  Later I found out he had a heart to heart conversation with her about her feelings towards me and it helped her realize that she did have feelings for me and she should move stop putting up emotional barriers towards me.  It wasn't like she fell in love with or anything, but it was a big shift for her mindset.  The service went great and the dinner was a blast, people in low-income countries know how to have a great time with what they have.

The next day however, was not as nice.  Alise was trying to work through her feelings and figure out what she felt towards me.  It was one of last days in Paraguay and she was annoyed with me all day.  Picking on every little thing I did and generally acting "bitchy" towards me, for lack of a better term.  When we were cooking dinner for the Hernandez family I finally had a few minutes alone with her and I confronted her about the way she was acting towards me and she admitted it was because she was confused and did have some feelings towards me.  I don't remember much more of the conversation after that because after she admitted it, the rest was a blur.

We started the journey home the next morning and I knew I had her cornered; we had a total of 18 hours of travel ahead of us with much of it sitting next to each other on airplanes.  Taking our time to be true friends to this point had made me comfortable enough with her that I could have this conversation with her.  To address her concerns about me and put myself out there.  It was a conversation which I needed to have with her or we would never be able to move on.  On our second flight I made my move and asked her the big question: What was holding her back from dating me?  As she has always been with me, she was honest and didn't hold back.  But I was up to the task and addressed every one of her concerns:  The biggest was her fear of long distance relationships, she had one which hurt her badly.  But I explained to her I had been involved in several in the past and I knew what was necessary to make them work.  Next was my divorce; not something young girls dream about when they are young.  I spent an hour or so talking about it, why it happened, what I did, my role in it and what I learned from it.  She was concerned about my: I am almost ten years older than her.  However, she is very mature for her age and I am pretty immature so it was a pretty easy answer.  Finally was the discussion about my looks, physically I was not exactly what she saw herself getting married to - primarily the bald part.  Not much I could do about it though - I would probably look worse with a comb-over.  By the end of that four hour flight we were both exhausted  but decided we would give dating another shot - and take it seriously this time.  And by the end of our trip home she did finally ask me to be her date to see the Lion King, and I happily took her.  About a year later we were married.

How I Met Your Mother: Part 2

To backtrack slightly from part 1,  there is one thing I forgot to mention: While I knew as soon as I saw Alise that she was special, she wasn't exactly attracted to me.  In fact, I think to her, I was just another guy at church.  During the time when I was trying to get her attention and she was trying to figure out who I was, I had a very strong desire to become a missionary, with no idea of what a missionary really does.  So I spoke with my friends Angel and Malia who were living in Paraguay as missionaries to come and visit them.  They told me that Alise had asked to visit them as well and suggested we travel together.  Since I was already drawn to Alise I thought this would be a great idea.  Alise was a little more skeptical and after a week or two to think about it, finally said yes.  It took her a while to decide whether or not she wanted me to travel to a third world country with me or if she would rather go alone.  Eventually she decided that it would be safer with me there than without me there.  We scheduled the trip for later in the year and I finally I had confirmation that she knew I existed.

A few months later our study group decided to take a trip together to Yosemite.  Alise generously volunteered her parents house for us to stay at.  Since I was the group leader and we were staying at her parents house we worked together on planning the trip.  She knew I existed and while she was friendly to me, she showed no signs of attraction to me at all.  I still remember how nervous I was asking her out at the first time, mainly because I knew she was special.  I was shopping at Trader Joe's for the trip and used the old "should I get white bread or wheat bread?" excuse to call her.  I asked her if she would go out on a date with me after the trip but her response of "sure, why not, I guess we could do that" was a little underwhelming.

The trip itself went great - regardless of my intentions with her I had a great time.  It was one of those iconic trips which I will always remember - not just because of Alise but with all our other friends who went as well. It was also the first time I met her parents, which was a bigger deal for me than it was for her.  Seeing her interact with her family drew me to her even more.  Family is a big deal to me and seeing her with her family speaks volumes about she felt about family.

Our first date a few weeks later went well.  We had a nice dinner a restaurant called Tarragon, then played pool afterwards.  The only thing which concerned me was the conversation - it felt superficial and restrained.  But as it was only our first date I held out hope we would be able to connect on a deeper level.  Conversation is tough for me when the other person does not engage, I have a tough time getting it going.  There was no openness one would expect or hope for on a good date.  For the next few months this continued as we went out on several dates.  We did spend a lot of time together, Tuesday nights for the study group she lead and Friday nights for the study group I lead and usually a date on Saturday nights.  Frequently we had dinner together with a few other friends on Tuesdays and Fridays as well.  Our friendship grew over the next few months, but romantically there was little chemistry as both of us seemed to be holding back from taking that first step of emotional intimacy critical for a relationship.  After three months of this she broke my heart.  We went to a hockey game (one of our favorite activities together) she told me that we should stop dating because there just wasn't any chemistry.  It was tough for me to argue as I knew it was true as well.  But I also knew the reason I was holding back was because every time I gave a little bit in conversation, I didn't get it back in return.  I knew things weren't going well and protected myself from saying things I wanted to say to her.  Once she broke up with me however, the floodgates were open.  I told her so many things I had been wanting to say to her and we had an amazing conversation - staying up until 1 in the morning talking.  In the end we still broke up and my heart hurting, but on the other hand, I still had hope because it was probably the best conversation I have ever had.  After I left her apartment we were still texting each other for another hour or so.  Years later I found out that she called her mother crying saying she just broke up with the "greatest guy."  Not only were we still very much involved in church together, we had also already bought airline tickets to go on a trip to Paraguay to visit our friends Angel and Malia.

Needless to say, we had to maintain our friendship or things would be very awkward.  More importantly however, we truly enjoyed each other's company and spending time together.  During the next few months we spent a lot of time together preparing for our trip and we did so without trying to be romantic or thinking too much about whether or not some small action "meant" something.  We continued to have dinner together on Tuesdays and Fridays and our friendship grew.  The problem for me was that my attraction to her continued to grow every time we spent time together.  In the weeks before our December trip to Paraguay, I decided that after the trip I was going to tell her I couldn't be friends with her anymore because it was driving me crazy.  I also had a test of sorts.  The Broadway musical version of "The Lion King" was coming to town and I knew she wanted to see it, as did I.  I bought her tickets for Christmas.  I had purchased the tickets before she broke up with me and in good conscience I felt I couldn't give her just one and keep the other for myself, but I also knew there would be a pretty good chance that if I gave her two tickets I wouldn't be going. I like all of my friends but no way would I spend almost $200 on any of them for a Christmas present.  Especially knowing I may decide to end the friendship a couple of weeks after giving her the tickets (our trip to Paraguay was on December 28th-January 8th.)  In the end, I gave her both tickets and as I watched her open them I held out hope she would ask me to go with her: she didn't.

How I Met Your Mother (For My Kids) Part 1

A few times in my life I have asked my parents how they met.  According to my mom they met while dancing at a club and had a mutual friend who introduced them.  According to my dad, they were at a bar, he dropped his wallet and my mom was there to pick it up.  There are several reasons why my mom's version is more believable (the primary of which being it is doubtful my dad had more than $10 in his wallet.)  But I have wondered what emotions were going on, what drew them to each other, what did they see in each other different from everyone before?  Thinking of this today while talking to a friend helped me realize I had to really think hard about what was going on with Alise and I.  So, I better get it down and put it out there before the story devolves to "we met at church when I dropped my wallet."

The first time I saw Alise was not a good time for me: just four months earlier I had gotten a divorce.  Emotionally I was in a bad place and I knew it, I was depressed and was not ready for another relationship.  Even though I was feeling guilt, depression and anger from the divorce, I continued to go to church - in fact i got even more involved because it was the most comforting place for me because my friends there were a constant.  One Sunday as I was getting to my seat I saw her across the aisle: and she was beautiful.  She was wearing a khaki skirt, maroon top and a tan jacket.  The first thought which popped into my head was "I am going to marry her" which was immediately followed by "that is insane, I don't even know her name or anything about her, she could be married already."  But still, from that moment I had a feeling I was going to marry her.  There weren't many people our age at church at that time so that same week I was casually asking some friends about her.  I wanted to know more about her, and it went beyond a normal attraction to a woman: I was drawn to her.  On the other hand, I knew I was not in a place to date her, so I went on with my life and kept the feeling of her in the back of my head.

Within a few months she started attending a study group which I was also a part of so I learned more about her: she was smart, funny, sweet and a little shy at times.  She was also extremely devoted, giving, kindhearted and hard working (she was working three jobs in addition to going to grad school.)  What attracted me to her most however, was her positive nature.  Not positive and upbeat like a cheerleader, but a positive outlook and faith in the goodness of life.  She expected the best from people, and she expected them to do the right thing.  And when people were around her, they wanted to do the right thing, and I did too.  The more I got to know her, the more I was drawn to her.  And I think that is the best description of how I felt about her: drawn to her.  I hardly knew her on a personal level, and rarely spoke with her one on one, but we did engage each other frequently in group discussions and the more I interacted with her the more respect I gained for her, for who she was and how smart and kind she was.  Call me crazy, but I don't think I was alone in this: when I was single I made a mental list of what I was looking for in a potential spouse.  The list was my dream list of what I wanted, or needed in someone I could potentially marry and was to be considered a "dream list" of the perfect woman.  Alise blew away my list, hardly meeting any of my own criteria and yet redefining what I wanted.  She was creating a new list for me and the more I got to know her the more I knew I needed to get to know her better outside of the group.  But I wasn't sure if I was ready yet.

After almost a year of this I had learned quite a bit about her character, personality and perspective of life, but I did not know much about who she was on a personal level: what she liked, what she did in her spare time or even if she was dating someone.  One Sunday she brought a male friend to church and I just about freaked out.  He was from out of town and staying with her for the weekend - though in my head I was not sure what exactly that meant.  Was this a boyfriend?  The topic of this guy came up at study that week and when I learned he was not her boyfriend I knew the time for simply getting to know her was over - I had to start acting on engaging her on a personal level and truly see if there was as much chemistry between us I hoped there was.  I was actually dating someone at the time and broke up with her within a couple of days - and made sure Alise knew it.  A few weeks later is when I took the next step.  Our study group was planning a trip up to Yosemite, I was the group leader and we would be staying at Alise's parent's house (which is just outside of Yosemite) so we spoke a lot in preparation for the trip.  The day before the trip I called her up and asked her out.  And she said yes.