How I Met Your Mother: Part 2

To backtrack slightly from part 1,  there is one thing I forgot to mention: While I knew as soon as I saw Alise that she was special, she wasn't exactly attracted to me.  In fact, I think to her, I was just another guy at church.  During the time when I was trying to get her attention and she was trying to figure out who I was, I had a very strong desire to become a missionary, with no idea of what a missionary really does.  So I spoke with my friends Angel and Malia who were living in Paraguay as missionaries to come and visit them.  They told me that Alise had asked to visit them as well and suggested we travel together.  Since I was already drawn to Alise I thought this would be a great idea.  Alise was a little more skeptical and after a week or two to think about it, finally said yes.  It took her a while to decide whether or not she wanted me to travel to a third world country with me or if she would rather go alone.  Eventually she decided that it would be safer with me there than without me there.  We scheduled the trip for later in the year and I finally I had confirmation that she knew I existed.

A few months later our study group decided to take a trip together to Yosemite.  Alise generously volunteered her parents house for us to stay at.  Since I was the group leader and we were staying at her parents house we worked together on planning the trip.  She knew I existed and while she was friendly to me, she showed no signs of attraction to me at all.  I still remember how nervous I was asking her out at the first time, mainly because I knew she was special.  I was shopping at Trader Joe's for the trip and used the old "should I get white bread or wheat bread?" excuse to call her.  I asked her if she would go out on a date with me after the trip but her response of "sure, why not, I guess we could do that" was a little underwhelming.

The trip itself went great - regardless of my intentions with her I had a great time.  It was one of those iconic trips which I will always remember - not just because of Alise but with all our other friends who went as well. It was also the first time I met her parents, which was a bigger deal for me than it was for her.  Seeing her interact with her family drew me to her even more.  Family is a big deal to me and seeing her with her family speaks volumes about she felt about family.

Our first date a few weeks later went well.  We had a nice dinner a restaurant called Tarragon, then played pool afterwards.  The only thing which concerned me was the conversation - it felt superficial and restrained.  But as it was only our first date I held out hope we would be able to connect on a deeper level.  Conversation is tough for me when the other person does not engage, I have a tough time getting it going.  There was no openness one would expect or hope for on a good date.  For the next few months this continued as we went out on several dates.  We did spend a lot of time together, Tuesday nights for the study group she lead and Friday nights for the study group I lead and usually a date on Saturday nights.  Frequently we had dinner together with a few other friends on Tuesdays and Fridays as well.  Our friendship grew over the next few months, but romantically there was little chemistry as both of us seemed to be holding back from taking that first step of emotional intimacy critical for a relationship.  After three months of this she broke my heart.  We went to a hockey game (one of our favorite activities together) she told me that we should stop dating because there just wasn't any chemistry.  It was tough for me to argue as I knew it was true as well.  But I also knew the reason I was holding back was because every time I gave a little bit in conversation, I didn't get it back in return.  I knew things weren't going well and protected myself from saying things I wanted to say to her.  Once she broke up with me however, the floodgates were open.  I told her so many things I had been wanting to say to her and we had an amazing conversation - staying up until 1 in the morning talking.  In the end we still broke up and my heart hurting, but on the other hand, I still had hope because it was probably the best conversation I have ever had.  After I left her apartment we were still texting each other for another hour or so.  Years later I found out that she called her mother crying saying she just broke up with the "greatest guy."  Not only were we still very much involved in church together, we had also already bought airline tickets to go on a trip to Paraguay to visit our friends Angel and Malia.

Needless to say, we had to maintain our friendship or things would be very awkward.  More importantly however, we truly enjoyed each other's company and spending time together.  During the next few months we spent a lot of time together preparing for our trip and we did so without trying to be romantic or thinking too much about whether or not some small action "meant" something.  We continued to have dinner together on Tuesdays and Fridays and our friendship grew.  The problem for me was that my attraction to her continued to grow every time we spent time together.  In the weeks before our December trip to Paraguay, I decided that after the trip I was going to tell her I couldn't be friends with her anymore because it was driving me crazy.  I also had a test of sorts.  The Broadway musical version of "The Lion King" was coming to town and I knew she wanted to see it, as did I.  I bought her tickets for Christmas.  I had purchased the tickets before she broke up with me and in good conscience I felt I couldn't give her just one and keep the other for myself, but I also knew there would be a pretty good chance that if I gave her two tickets I wouldn't be going. I like all of my friends but no way would I spend almost $200 on any of them for a Christmas present.  Especially knowing I may decide to end the friendship a couple of weeks after giving her the tickets (our trip to Paraguay was on December 28th-January 8th.)  In the end, I gave her both tickets and as I watched her open them I held out hope she would ask me to go with her: she didn't.

How I Met Your Mother (For My Kids) Part 1

A few times in my life I have asked my parents how they met.  According to my mom they met while dancing at a club and had a mutual friend who introduced them.  According to my dad, they were at a bar, he dropped his wallet and my mom was there to pick it up.  There are several reasons why my mom's version is more believable (the primary of which being it is doubtful my dad had more than $10 in his wallet.)  But I have wondered what emotions were going on, what drew them to each other, what did they see in each other different from everyone before?  Thinking of this today while talking to a friend helped me realize I had to really think hard about what was going on with Alise and I.  So, I better get it down and put it out there before the story devolves to "we met at church when I dropped my wallet."

The first time I saw Alise was not a good time for me: just four months earlier I had gotten a divorce.  Emotionally I was in a bad place and I knew it, I was depressed and was not ready for another relationship.  Even though I was feeling guilt, depression and anger from the divorce, I continued to go to church - in fact i got even more involved because it was the most comforting place for me because my friends there were a constant.  One Sunday as I was getting to my seat I saw her across the aisle: and she was beautiful.  She was wearing a khaki skirt, maroon top and a tan jacket.  The first thought which popped into my head was "I am going to marry her" which was immediately followed by "that is insane, I don't even know her name or anything about her, she could be married already."  But still, from that moment I had a feeling I was going to marry her.  There weren't many people our age at church at that time so that same week I was casually asking some friends about her.  I wanted to know more about her, and it went beyond a normal attraction to a woman: I was drawn to her.  On the other hand, I knew I was not in a place to date her, so I went on with my life and kept the feeling of her in the back of my head.

Within a few months she started attending a study group which I was also a part of so I learned more about her: she was smart, funny, sweet and a little shy at times.  She was also extremely devoted, giving, kindhearted and hard working (she was working three jobs in addition to going to grad school.)  What attracted me to her most however, was her positive nature.  Not positive and upbeat like a cheerleader, but a positive outlook and faith in the goodness of life.  She expected the best from people, and she expected them to do the right thing.  And when people were around her, they wanted to do the right thing, and I did too.  The more I got to know her, the more I was drawn to her.  And I think that is the best description of how I felt about her: drawn to her.  I hardly knew her on a personal level, and rarely spoke with her one on one, but we did engage each other frequently in group discussions and the more I interacted with her the more respect I gained for her, for who she was and how smart and kind she was.  Call me crazy, but I don't think I was alone in this: when I was single I made a mental list of what I was looking for in a potential spouse.  The list was my dream list of what I wanted, or needed in someone I could potentially marry and was to be considered a "dream list" of the perfect woman.  Alise blew away my list, hardly meeting any of my own criteria and yet redefining what I wanted.  She was creating a new list for me and the more I got to know her the more I knew I needed to get to know her better outside of the group.  But I wasn't sure if I was ready yet.

After almost a year of this I had learned quite a bit about her character, personality and perspective of life, but I did not know much about who she was on a personal level: what she liked, what she did in her spare time or even if she was dating someone.  One Sunday she brought a male friend to church and I just about freaked out.  He was from out of town and staying with her for the weekend - though in my head I was not sure what exactly that meant.  Was this a boyfriend?  The topic of this guy came up at study that week and when I learned he was not her boyfriend I knew the time for simply getting to know her was over - I had to start acting on engaging her on a personal level and truly see if there was as much chemistry between us I hoped there was.  I was actually dating someone at the time and broke up with her within a couple of days - and made sure Alise knew it.  A few weeks later is when I took the next step.  Our study group was planning a trip up to Yosemite, I was the group leader and we would be staying at Alise's parent's house (which is just outside of Yosemite) so we spoke a lot in preparation for the trip.  The day before the trip I called her up and asked her out.  And she said yes.

Narcissism in Prayer?

A couple of months ago I came across this great article on conversational narcissism : http://artofmanliness.com/2011/05/01/the-art-of-conversation-how-to-avoid-conversational-narcissism/ 

or more precisely, how to recognize it and avoid it.  It's a great article and you should read it.  Go ahead and read it now and come back here after.  It's really better than this blog will be.  

As I was reading the article I slowly began to realize I was a conversational narcissist, maybe not horribly bad, but not good either.  If nothing else it helped me see how often in conversation I was thinking about my response instead of paying attention or asking questions.  I immediately realized two things: I was really bad at carrying a conversation if I just listen and a lot of people I talk to are more concerned with telling me about themselves than asking about me.  Which was eye opening as well.  

Meanwhile, I had been trying hard to focus on prayer, to make a deeper connection with God and find new ways to relate to him.  The problem was, my prayers seemed so empty and one sided.  I think you can see where I am going with this.  Most of the time when I prayed I usually asked for something from God or for a solution to my problems or whatever I was working on internally - then I immediately tried to think of a solution or plan how I could better myself.  That is essentially when it hit me: I was being a conversational narcissist in my prayer life.  Worse yet, I was trying to answer my own prayers: it was simply a conversation with myself and waiting for God to give me the thumbs up.  

This is the theological equivalent of talking at someone instead of talking with someone.  Except that someone is the Creator of the universe, and I am just me.  My life has always been a poor balance of low self-esteem and an egotistical know-it-all: being my best at a humble yet confident middle ground but doing a bad job of consistently staying there.  It's hard to face the thought of my prayer life being more of the later.  I believe the point of prayer is not to get what I want from God: it is to get aligned with God's will.  It is being brought into peace and revelation of what he wants from my life and those around me.  Instead of wanting and desiring possession, I would want and desire to further his Kingdom.  But if my prayers are nothing but asking, seeking, and worst of all telling, then how can I be listening, learning and conforming?  It almost sounds strange to say it, but the point of prayer should be to get to know God.  Not the God I want or the God I expect but the true God.  And that true God is tough to see if my prayer life is preoccupied with my own needs, wants, desires and ego.  How can I seek his will if I am clouded with my own perception of God?  How can I seek his will when I am preoccupied with my own? I can't.  Dropping the narcissism from my prayer life means listening, waiting, asking questions and accepting the answers even if I don't like them.  Just like conversation, the result is a more fulfilling and engaging interaction.  And when that interaction is with the Creator of the universe, the lack of narcissism on my part is justified.

Don't Live Your Life to Follow the Rules

Why is it we have problems with rules?  Maybe not all of us, but I think there is something inherent in humanity that makes us resist some rules.  Maybe it is become some people become so focused on following the rules they don't bother to think about why the rules were written.  There are a lot of rules which make me mad: I laugh at them, ignore them, even purposely do the opposite - or all of the above.  Why?  Because I do not see how they apply to me.  There are two causes of this: the rule maker doesn't understand me or know me so how can their rules be written for me or my situation?  Or, I don't understand the context of the rules and don't see the relationship.  Over time, the context of the rules change, but usually the rules themselves don't change and therefore they either become obsolete or misunderstood.  These are the problems a lot of people have with the Ten Commandments: lack of relationship or lack of context.  People look at the Ten Commandments, see ancient rules with no application in society today so ignore them or rebel against God.  Looking at the context and circumstances leading up to the Ten Commandments is so important for understanding them.  Rules for most people in general say "do this or you can't get in, do this or you are an outcast, follow these rules or we won't love and accept you."  But is that what God intended with the Ten Commandments?

I have to wonder how people in today's society perceive the act of God giving the Ten Commandments to the Israelites.  It seems to me the way the story is perceived goes something like this:  God is is standing in front of the Israelites, holding his hands outstretched to block them from reaching the promised land.  Then he says to them (in that loud, deep, scary voice of God) "you've come a long way, but before I let you go into the Promised Land I have some rules for you to follow.  I don't know you very well and I want to make sure you behave so you must agree to follow these rules or you can't get in..."  It's almost like the image of a cruise director telling you about all of the things you can't do before you can go out on a fun cruise.  And you know what?  You hate that person!  I hate it when someone tells me I can't do something.  It's even worse when that person doesn't know me.  I'm not like everyone else, the rules don't apply to me because you don't understand me!  You don't understand what I am all about or why I should be exempt.  Right?

That isn't the way I see it happening though.  It doesn't make sense.  Think about the context of all God did for the Israelites: he sent the plagues to persuade Egypt to let them go, he parted the Red Sea, destroyed their pursuers, led them through the desert where he fed them and provided for them.  These were a people who had never had to govern themselves before.  They were a nation who up until this point had followed the rules and government of the Egyptians as their slaves.  God showed them love, he established a relationship with them.  In fact, he flat out told them "I and the Lord YOUR God."  He protected them and helped them leave a bad situation behind.  With all of that background story, it does not make sense that he would require them to act a certain way before he would let them in.  They were already his people, they didn't have to do anything to be his people.  There must be another reason he gave them the Ten Commandments.  Knowing the background, I imagine the whole Mt. Sinai thing going something a little more like something a parent would do:  "Oh Israel, we have come so far haven't we?" As God puts his arm around the nation.  "There is a reason I protected you and kept you safe, and that is because I love you.  I don't want anything bad to happen to you, I have big plans for you and I want to see you grow and thrive and be someone other nations look up to.  But here's the thing, you have no idea how to do that, or even what you are getting yourself into.  So I am going to set up some ground rules, commandments if you will.  If you follow these rules, I promise you won't get into trouble.  Living in the Promised Land isn't all fun and games, you will have to work hard if you want to succeed.  Stick to these rules and you won't get hurt."

What really strikes me as the most important piece of the Ten Commandments then, is not the rules themselves, but what these rules and the way he gave them to the Israelites says about how he feels about us.  It is a glimpse into God's nature, his personality.  If there is any one relationship I would say best reflects this it is a parent to a child.  You have to give your child rules, guidelines.  Rules you give your kids are not about behaving a certain way so they can be your kid - they are already yours and following the rules or not has no effect on that.  The rules are because you have the experience to know things your child does not and you do not want to see them get hurt:  "Thou shall not touch the hot stove, thou shall not play in the street, thou shall not let that boy do whatever he wants to you and it won't make you popular..."  (sorry, I'm going to be an overly protective father.)  What's even more important is no parent I know thinks for a second their child will grow into a perfect adult if they just follow a few simple rules.  Ok, maybe some do.  But in my mind, those parents have it all wrong.  If you focus your time on making sure the kids follow the rules, and make the rules the important part of life, what is their focus when they get older?  To keep out of trouble.  Be good.  The focus becomes what not to do instead of what they can do.  If Ghandi or Mother Theresa or Martin Luther King Jr. focused on following the rules, how would their lives look?  This is the genius of how Jesus changed the focus of the Ten Commandments in Mark 30-31 (NLT) "'...love the Lord God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind and all your strength.'  The second is equally important 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'" He took the Ten Commandments and changed their focus, instead of thinking about what you shouldn't do, think about what you should do.  Rules can be good.  Think about why they are there, what they mean and follow them.  But don't focus on avoiding doing wrong, focus on doing right.  I am not in any way saying the Ten Commandments should be ignored, just the opposite in fact.  I am saying our focus as a Christian should not be about the rules; whether it be for ourselves or for others.  What I am saying can be be explained by a quote to end with.  A couple of years ago I did a Bible study series by Dan Kimball called "They Like Jesus but Not the Church" and there was one thought which stuck in my head more than any other: "being a Christian should not be about what we are against, being a Christian should be about what we stand for."  I know that I got the wording wrong because I cannot find the reference so I apologize.  The point is, don't dwell on the negative of what everyone else is doing, focus on what you can do to affect positive change.  Knowing and following the rules are good, but it is even better to follow the example of the rule maker.

The Difference of Being a Father to Boys and Girls

With this being Father's Day weekend, and the upcoming birth of my son within the next few months, I have been reflecting on the difference between being a father to a girl and to a boy.  The role for each obviously is pretty much the same.  But in my mind there are a few distinct differences: for my daughter my role is to be an example of the way the man she will marry should treat and respect her.  This is accomplished in my relationship and the way I treat my wife and other women in general.  I want to be the leader who molds her into a person with integrity, confidence and moral values.  For my son, my role is not only to be an example, not only to lead him but also to mold him from a boy into a man.  I love my daughter but I am just not equipped to be her primary role model or mentor into becoming a woman.  I want her to be able to enjoy being a girl who grows into a woman.  I want her to revel in being a girl and see in me the difference between a man and a boy.  But practically speaking, my role will only help her decision in a husband whereas for a son, I can help him develop into a man.  With all of this in mind, I have been more and more interested in people from years past who were the embodiment of men.  Ernest Hemingway, Jack London etc.  This morning in my browsing I came across this poem by Rudyard Kipling and I absolutely loved it.  It's from a time gone by and yet still applicable to today; in many ways a part of parenthood lost in today's politically correct, watered down, over compensation of equality society we live in.  I don't think I am alone when I say that sometimes it feels like a man differentiating himself by being a man can be looked down upon.  Just read this poem, and let it speak for itself.

If

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son! 

By Rudyard Kipling

the ten events which define me today

Had a great exercise in class a while back and I think about it often; because I am strange like that.  It was to make a list of the ten events in my life which define who I am today and why.  This is not just a list of the most important events in my life, but ten events which really molded me into who I am today.  So why blog about it?  Because reflection is good for me and seriously lacking.  Too often I look at the work needed in others and want to help them instead of looking at my own hurts and trying to fix them.  That is my "shadow side" of being a #2 in the Enneagram (see my previous post) and I am trying to fight against it.  I encourage everyone to do this: it helps you come to a better understanding of who you are, why you are the way you are and through sharing it helps others see your motivations.  Someday I hope my children are able to read this and learn from my life.

• My brother was born - up until this point I was just a typical kid, but now I was something different and special: a big brother.  What made me most excited was that I had responsibility as a role model and to make sure he was taken care of.  I loved being responsible for him and in my mind my own actions affected how he acted.  Now, i love to help other people in their own growth - more than I want to work on my own which is not good.  I love being a big brother and taking on responsibility when others don't.

• Grade school - This is a rough one because I was not popular, not athletic, not funny and not good looking.  I was a dork who wasn't smart enough to be a nerd.  I didn't really get picked on too much, but what I did get was ignored.  Probably because I was annoying.  I can't point the finger to others here, because if only a few kids wanted to hang out with me it was more my fault than theirs.  What I remember the most was being excluded from things and people not wanting to spend time with me.  I remember coming to school on a Monday and everyone - including people who I thought were the outcasts - talking about someones birthday party which I didn't receive an invitation to.  

• High school - I remember talking to people in class, people being friends with me and joking with me when we sat next to each other but not even acknowledging my presence in the hallways later.  I never fit in with the mainstream group of people and was socially outcast: High School was so much about fitting in with others and I had no desire to be like everyone else.  I had a small group of close friends and pretty much shut myself off from everyone else as a safety mechanism.  My self confidence was shattered and I went from being an extrovert to an introvert.

• The Catholic Church - I spent Kindergarten through the 11^th grade in a Catholic school and was forced to attend mass.  When I appreciated the music I was made fun of and picked on for it.  The vast majority of the people did not want to be there but were either there because they were forced to or because they felt they needed to out of obligation.  There were a lot of things and thoughts of Catholicism which did not make sense to me.  I read Bible stories about an intimate God and yet in practice it was very procedural and I felt very little connection to God.  I felt that everyone was hypocritical and didn't really do what they said.

• Senior year of high school - Due to poor grades, my parents decided not to pay for my tuition at a private Catholic school and sent me to a public school.  I absolutely loved it.  My grades went up and I made friends with several Evangelical Christians.  At the time I had no idea there was a difference between Protestants and Catholics: I thought we were all the same and believed the same things. However, this was the first step for me to see that there were people out there who really did love God and were not hypocritical about religion.  Until this point I felt that I hadn't spent any time with someone who was truly committed and followed Jesus.

• College - I loved almost everything about college: the friends, being away from Mom and Dad, but most of all I loved the pursuit of individuality.  In high school it seemed that most people were concerned with fitting in with the crowd, but in college it was all about differentiating yourself from the crowd.  I made a lot of close friends whom I trust more than most to this day.  I went to a maritime academy where I spent time every year traveling the world.  I found I was most comfortable in life when I was in other countries.  One other thing about my school I am appreciative of: it was not just book study - I learned how to get my hands dirty, be a hard worker and how to take initiative.

• Entry to the real world - Once I engaged in the work world and took my first job as a supervisor, I really started to (finally) get my confidence up and realize people followed my lead; not because I was in charge, but because of who I was.  The confidence brought me to another conclusion: My life had molded me into who I was.  There were a lot of things from my youth I was holding on to and bitter about which carried over to my attitude.  But those experiences also guided so much of who I was and I liked who I was - so how could I hold onto bitterness when I grew stronger from the negative past?

• Return to church - A few years later I went on a trip to Yosemite with some friends which was the most spiritual experience I had to that point.  In looking at the natural beauty I realized that such beauty could not be random or accidental - it was deliberate and placed there for a reason.  What's more, all of us were created with an appreciation for such beauty. It is very rare to find a person who does not see the beauty in someplace like Yosemite.  I joined a church, was baptized and for several years attended.  I also went through a divorce which took me a long time to forgive myself and make peace with God about it.  I became a small group leader, and really was hooked on how wonderful the small community was.  I was determined to make sure that everyone was included and invited to all of our events, I knew how hurtful it was to be excluded.  I realized that so many of the problems I had with God and so much of why I fell away was not due to God, but due to the people who were the church community.

• Call.  As involved as I was, I was still playing over the surface of what it meant to be a Christian.  One day a guest speaker was at our church showing what his missions organization was all about and as the pictures were on the screen I knew God wanted me to be there.  There was this incredibly strong conviction that I was in the wrong place and I needed to be there, working to show people who Jesus was.  Unfortunately, I did not receive a “when” or “where” so I had a choice: I could wait for God to provide me with the rest and then take action, or I could get prepared for when God clarified the rest.  I also took this as a sign that God was not letting the divorce stop me: if he was ok with me doing his work, why was I not ok with myself?  Until this point I had thought that my entire purpose in life was to have kids and be a great father.  The divorce changed all of that and I stopped knowing what I was supposed to do in life.  After my call, my life had a purpose and a path again.  I could move forward with my life.

• God introduced me to my wife.  I did not know her on that fateful day of my call, but she was also felt the same exact call to missions during that same service.  It was not until a year or so later that we discovered that.  She challenges me and keeps me on track.  She is so many things that I am not: determined, disciplined, totally trusting and faithful to the end.  We complement each other so well and work as a team together better than I ever have before.  I look forward to the future God has in store for us.

There you have it, these are the events which drive my motivations, personality and goals.  They aren't the biggest events in my life (the birth of my daughter would be at the top of that list.) They are however, the events which I think truly molded me into who I am today - at least the events which have done so.  Sometimes I look at my parents and wonder about their pasts.  I know a lot of my family's history but just bits and pieces of what set the personalities of my parents.  I hope that someday my children can look at this blog and get to know their father a little bit better.